antisocial

Strange?

When you detach yourself from others
It is when you find the entity
That is called your name

Recently, I have so effortlessly awarded “The Antisocial of the Year”. Not by one, but many. It is not that I really avoid meeting every single entity. It is, I guess, just that I avoid being in the crowd and being involved in many activities.

Many suggested me, asked me and even invited me to come back to society. I guess it is just a polite way for them to lure me back to “civilization”.

Honestly, I don’t think that I am being “that” antisocial. It is true that you can’t see me as up and about as before. You can still see me around, nevertheless only in places that I want to be and with people that I most treasure to be with. NOT that I see other less.

You see, we are now living in an era whereby time never seems to be enough. Sometimes I wish I could have 36 hours per day, but I believe that I would then ask for 48 hours. It’s human nature, I guess. Difficult to satisfy.

I’ll just be very frank here. It’s not that I am reluctant to mingle around with people. When I did, I sincerely enjoy that. But also as one legacy of this life, I do have my own interests, my dreams to fulfill, my curiosity to answer, my hobbies to do, new things to learn, new experiences to try, and many more. Pardon me if I am being to individualistic here, but I felt that if I am tied to too many activities or communities, I would have less time for myself and I would keep asking myself: when can I try this, when would I learn this, when would I have time to do this-and-that. Which I have to admit, I did question myself before.

So at one point of life, I decided to start learning things that I always want to learn, trying something, answering my curiosity, enjoying myself more in my hobbies. I do spare some time with others, i.e. socializing, it’s just not as much as before.

CARPE DIEM. SEIZE THE DAY. We just live once, so I might as well make the fullest of each second, the most meaningful of each minute, and also the most enjoyable of every hour. It is so much so that at the end of the day, we may leave this world by having known our full identity, not just shadows cast by others and we may also leave an unforgettable trail behind…

I also believe that there is time for everything. And the time may lapse before you know it. Just be focus on what you want in life. What you want to have, to do and to achieve. If at a certain point you have to leave something behind, just leave it. When God closes one door, He opens another window. Am I right?

I have had my time. I enjoyed being a chatty girl in an all-girl mailing list. I was always in the front line in organizing any gathering, girls’ nite out and all. I have sung in a charity choir concert. I have chaired the decoration team for _Xpression Nite (by Mudika, 2003). I have pasted all the walls with our self-made gallery. Co-written the drama script. Acted on that (the main cast!!). Composed a poem and recited it myself. Sung a two-line solo on stage (it was definitely something for a musically-challenged and tone-deaf person like me!!). Written something when I was in the bus and it then became our theme song. Drawn for some more backdrops.

Have a whole album of my photograph taken by a friend. Hey, just for fun!! I just wanted to know how the “real” photographer works. And he did it quite professionally.

Hmm what else?

I have actively written articles and what-not for an e-bulletin. Had at least one sleepless night each month to edit it. I have tried drawing using ink and pastel.

I have chaired a retreat. Had only five hours of sleep in total for TWO days during our three-day and two-night event. Managed to get some financial surplus rather than deficit to be passed on to next year’s committee. Been there for every fund-raising activities.

I had written a full script for a musical drama. Plus suggesting the title. Plus suggesting some casts. Plus writing most of the song lyrics. Plus composing half a song!! OK, I don’t have any musical sense but when the demand is pressing… then only that you would know how far you can stretch yourself.

So. OK. Now, after that episode is closed, I concentrate more on what I have been missing so far. My own passion and my own dream.

Now I feel that I am back on track. Doing painting weekly is something that I really treasure (although I would have to let it go very soon). Meeting new friends from the class is also exciting. It feels very GOOD to be with people with whom you share same interests. Really!! Trust me!! You will feel that, at last, you can talk with the same frequency.

Previously, when I was sooo energetically and ecstatically talking about art and painting, the most I could get was: a polite smile.

I still have a long list of things to do in my agenda, so I guess I would still be an antisocial for at least many months to come =). But yes, I feel like I can slowly see the true shape of my identity.

Life is an option, anyway. So this is what I have chosen for myself. Therefore I can’t afford to bother even if I am the sole candidate for “The Antisocial of the Year” (kidding!!).

For me, life is about knowing what is right and be brave enough to pursue it….

PS: And I still have many books to read!!

the image was taken at the outside of Asian Civilization Museum, September 2005